Due to my inconsistent sleep and activity levels over the weekend, Mondays weren’t the worst days, it was TUESDAYS. UGH. I feel like everyone knows that Mondays are supposed to suck, but we expect it. We have low expectations. Tuesdays, however, are worse. There is even Taco Tuesdays to make Tuesdays more appealing. But honestly, they suck. It’s the one day where there are NO expectations. Every other day, if you think about it, has a title. Mondays suck after the weekend, Wednesday is Hump Day, Thursday is Friday Eve and Friday is self-explanatory. Tuesdays, SUCK.

Today wasn’t going to be much different. Acting like an adult, last night I checked the weather for today. Rain was in the forecast, so I HAD to get my walk in before work. I am truly trying to walk before work, because as history has shown, the workday goes way more smoothly mentally when I have the walk accomplished.  

The alarm went off at 6 and I hit the snooze until 7. I don’t’ feel bad about that either. I’m a snooze button hitter and it drives the Hubbie nuts. I didn’t sleep that well last night for some stupid reason, and the sleep score of 76 proved that. Up at 7, had me a cup of coffee and my daughter wasn’t awake to walk with me, so I was GOING SOLO. I’m not afraid of it, but I’m a creature that needs company. I’m comfortable with being alone, I just don’t like it.

I was off at 7:32 AM and had an episode of SVU on in my ear. About a mile in, it started to drizzle so I started hustling a little bit more. When I got home, I shaved almost 2 minutes off my previous pace of 20 min. 38:06 was the time today. We can associate this with me walking alone, no conversation, SVU and the weather.

As I sit here between meetings and looking at the rain, I’m struck with one major thought or question today. It came out of nowhere, perhaps triggered by the SVU episode I listened to during the walk, but writing it down seems appropriate. Are we predetermined or preconditioned to deal with emotional trauma in a certain way? Environment aside, is it genetic? There are all kinds of tests out there that can determine if you are predisposed to developing cancer or heart disease…but what about emotional trauma? I ask this because when my mom was in her decline, the anticipation of what was to come was debilitating to me. Just the thought of her not being in my life was too much. Once she passed, the same. It hasn’t gotten any easier. I find myself not thinking about her passing, I think about her, but not about her NOT being here. If I do, I am a mess. I have a physical response to my grief. This hasn’t subsided. Is it genetic?