Be prepared, this is gonna be a long one.

I’ve been thinking about how to write this one and I’ve gone back and forth on it. Surprisingly, it is because I don’t want anyone to get upset about what I want or should write. Funny right? This is my online journal of sorts. I don’t care about what other people think but I don’t want anyone to get upset. At the end of the day, my truth and how I feel is what this whole journey is about. I don’t want anyone to get upset but being honest is the most important to me FOR me.

It’s been more than 2 days since I’ve written. It’s also been 2 days since I’ve walked. I guess you could say that I’ve failed. I barely made it over 2 weeks and I already failed. That is sad to me. I do have excuses as to what happened and to be honest, they are valid. But that doesn’t change the fact. No need to worry, I’m still going to move on and I’ve already given myself a pass.

So this is what happened.

Saturday was my son’s Sr prom. A great day, he was handsome as hell, his date was beautiful, he experienced PROM. The hubbie and I strongly encouraged him since he started High School that you should go at least once to experience this “right of passage.” He had a blast and was happy he went. So where is the problem? The problem is feelings. It was an emotional day for us parents. It was the realization that our baby wasn’t a baby and one of us was having a hard time putting a finger on being upset. I won’t get into the whole bunch of details (those are and will remain private), but it took most of the day to figure out. There was a lot of talking, a lot of expression and we finally did pin point some things.

As anyone who has had these types of conversations, you do know that there is a huge emotional toll that they take on you and they wipe you out. They are healthy and pivotal types of conversations that strengthen your marriage and allow you to grow as a couple. There was nothing mean or upsetting that either of us did to each other, but it was geared at how we are as parents, how we view our parenting and how far we have come. I share this here because it was a lot. But it was IMPORTANT. It was NEEDED. This took precedence over my walking. I chose one other aspect of myself, my marriage, over my personal goal. This isn’t losing, this is giving up, this is prioritizing for the moment. I’m ok with this.

Sunday I woke up with a migraine and was not well. I am not immune to getting migraines and I don’t get them as often as I did growing up. As an adult, I can usually tell when the headache is stress related, hormonal or a true migraine. Waking up to one, I’m pretty sure this one was a mixture of all the emotional toxins leaving my body, hormones and the crud. Needless to say, I spent most of the day in bed. I would come downstairs occasionally. I did not have the strength to walk. When I would think about having to walk and not walking the day before, I got emotional. I thought I failed my challenge.

During one of these emotional pity parties yesterday, I realized one thing. I’m not going to give up. I’m going to keep going and I asked myself, what can I do to make it up to myself. I’m not going to give up. I’m going to keep going. Taking time for my hubbie and myself does not mean I’m a failure. It means that I’m ok for accepting life as it comes and not bowing down.

That leads me to today. How I woke up. Funny, thinking back to how I woke up is tearing me up AND I DON’T KNOW WHY. I do know why, grief. It is a nasty fucker and it comes up and just kicks you in the ass in the weirdest ways. .

I got a call from my step Papa. Asking me to call him. There was some business with the house in France that him and Mom lived in. Nothing big, nothing scary, nothing out of the ordinary. He wasn’t mean, he was very loving. But what he asked me was business. Just some business to take care of. Business that I WISH I DIDN’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH because I fucking wish my Mom was alive. For the first time, and this was NOT his doing, I felt like Sandy’s daughter. I have no idea why. There was nothing that provoked this feeling other than ME. I wish I knew why I felt this way and STILL feel this way after processing for a whole day. Just like on Saturday, I have been working the problem, trying to identify why I am feeling this way. I know the grief is there, I know Mom being gone is the cause, but feeling like Sandy’s daughter is a new one.

When I was a kid, I was an asshole at times. Truly, I wasn’t a nice one. I would rebel, I’d lie about what I was doing, where I was going, smoked, just did stupid stuff. What kid doesn’t do these things? Throughout my teenage years and early adulthood, these things would cause normal family drama. Drama with my Mom and step Papa, siblings. Things that are in the past, but I don’t feel always forgiven or forgotten. I have spent a large amount of my adult life to try and appease for my sins, if you will.

But it never goes away, that feeling of always trying to make up for the bad things you have done. Or maybe it does and I just haven’t experienced it yet. Either way, I have done the work but don’t really feel like I have been forgiven. Which is on me, I know that. With Mom being gone, I know she was the glue. She was the reason that I have an extended and have had an extended family through my step Papa. A family I truly, with my whole heart, love. I am terrified, absolutely terrified of losing. And for some stupid reason, today brought that fear to a head, to the front of my mind and in my heart. I know that fear is the worst emotion to overcome and in most cases is worse than the actual “thing” that may or may never come. I’m feeling this fear now and I am going to work at putting it to bed. I know I’m loved by my family, I know I love my family. I will not allow this fear to thrive. It just takes time.

That leads me to tonight. I walked. I did. 2 miles. Starting again or coming back from my sabbatical. It was on the treadmill, it wasn’t as bad when watching The Good Wife. But it sucked. I want the rain to stop so I can go outside and get fresh air.

Tomorrow is another day and it will be better than today.