Today was the day. It’s kind of weird to say it, but today was finally the day. I’ll get to that in a second. Let’s down to business first and then I’ll explain what this means.

Went for the walk after work. Did the 2 miles with the daughter and it was good. Talked about a lot of stuff, it was actually really good. I really really did not want to go but I did so it’s fine. Continue with my goal so yeah that part was good. I didn’t time it and I’m ok with that. I literally was thinking of anyway to get out of the walk today but I didn’t.

OK now onto the really important issue. Today was the day that I dreamt of my mom. I decided to take a nap today, not a long one, just a quick power nap and, I had a dream and she was in the dream. Why is this a big deal? I have not dreamt of my mom since she was taken from us. No, not taken. Let’s rephrase, left us. This is odd to me because when my grandma passed, I had many, many dreams of my grandma. Very vivid dreams and it was actually a very calming and healing thing for me to dream of my grandma, and I guess when mom passed, I thought that the same thing was going to happen. Night after night I lay in bed and I called to her because I wanted to see her again. Literally, every night since she’s left, I say her name over and over in my head. Like somehow that will or would call her to me. I wanted to interact with her again. I was longing for this sense of her being there.

Think what you want, but to me that’s them visiting me and telling me things going to be OK and I needed this dream to heal. And today it happened. I can’t say that it was a wonderful dream. In fact it was actually a very silly dream and in the scheme of things it was probably only a couple minutes, but in the dream she made a comment, it was funny and I was like there’s Mom again. And in looking at her, she’s sick. I can tell she’s sick. She’s not gonna be around very long and then I said wait. She’s already died and the alarm went off and my power nap was done. It was very calming and it was something. I don’t know what to think. I’ve been looking forward to this, but I also don’t want the longing to end. I hope this isn’t the only time I dream of her, but I’m actually happy that it finally happened. I just know that I want more. Many more. And I’m afraid that I won’t get more.

Instead of editing what I wrote above, I’m going to write the dream out here. I want to always remember it.

In the dream, we were sitting on a couch and a chair. We, my husband and my son decided to get mom up from her nap. For some reason she was taking a nap we were watching TV. All of a sudden, my son, had gotten my mom out of bed. I decided to have Mom sit with me on the couch. Mom had different ideas and sat in the chair and padded the chair cushion to have my son sit next to her. I said no mom come sit by me. These were my words to her, come sit by me, mom you can sit between my legs. In my dream I was sitting on the couch and I spread my legs thinking she would sit between my legs. My mom response was don’t say those words you sound like an Irish prostitute in my dream, I started laughing because it made no sense. She was standing in front of me and that’s when I remember thinking she looks sick then I was thinking wait a minute she’s already died. And then I woke up.