I know, very up front for a title. It is the truth. I fucking miss my Mom.

This past weekend, 6/9, Mom passed away. I don’t think I will ever forget the story or how it all came to be, so I don’t feel that I need to write that down on here. However, I will say, that this anniversary was harder than her actually passing.

The thing about grief, is it is a wicked beast. A wicked and evil beast. A beast that I have figured out. The beast takes into account how much you know the person who passed, how they passed, how you got to say goodbye and puts it into a machine and spits out your number. Your number is going to be between 1-100 and the threshold is going to vary second by second. I have to see grief as this beast so I can try to understand it and how I react to it. The beast has no warning and can mimic other emotions. So if you are angry at something, you can be angry, but then when you start to decipher the trigger of the anger, it is the beast.

Now that I have shown that I’m not in denial, I have seen the beast, I am here to say that I do not want to destroy the beast. I am learning new ways of living with it. Part of doing that, you have to look at any type of triggers that could come up and affect you. You really have to understand them. If you don’t, you could be at the grocery store and not be able to buy the Twizzlers because they were your Mom’s favorite. Do you ever want to buy them again? If you don’t, which many people do end up never buying them again, then you are ok. But for me, that isn’t ok. It isn’t acceptable cause I fucking love Twizzlers.

Part of my understanding is going to be explained in my next post. I find it very healthy for myself to see and deal with the beast this way (HEALTHY FOR ME). At the end of the day, Mom is still gone and I still have to live. I just have to find the best way to do that without her.