I don’t know about you all, but I’m finding it hard to stay fixated on things and continue. The past month has just been a whirlwind and I haven’t found my groove. I am fighting, daily, to get it back. With the graduation, preparation, parties, emotional turmoil and acceptance, (OH AND A SHIT TON OF RAIN), I’m a struggling. So I’m going to put it all out there into the universe and figure out when it’s going to come back positive.

First-the emotional hangover dealing with Mom’s anniversary. Put that out there, there is nothing I can do to change it, but admitting that I am not ok, IS OK. It’s ok to NOT be ok.

Second-I’m not the fixer with the family. I promised my Mom that I would work on my relationship with my younger sister. I am doing this and it is getting better every day. Truth is, I didn’t know her and she didn’t know me as an adult. This I started out doing for my Mom, but now I’m doing it for me. I’m continuing for ME. She is putting in effort and I’m putting in effort. I’m liking her. I’ll always love her, but I’m liking her (she’s gonna read this and text me). But with my other members of my family, I’m not the fixer. I can’t be this person anymore. I’m learning my boundaries and I’m not just going to fix and apologize when I’m not in the wrong.

Third-I’m working on my relationships with a few narcissists in the family. By working on them, I mean I’m in therapy for them, specifically. It’s like a new language for me. Vocalizing my boundaries. Wording things differently. Not caving in to make things right. It is ok to think of me.

Fourth-I’m struggling at work because I’m finding it hard to believe in my company. I’ve been there for 24 years, I’ve grown up there, but I don’t believe in it anymore. I’m not bored, but I don’t have any passion. I am also realizing that I’m the grunt and severely underpaid. I am applying for other jobs and I am positive I will find my worth with another company. Rejection is feedback. I’m ok with this search.

Fifth-I need to get back to walking EVERYDAY. Even if I’m walking 5 miles at the golf course watching the dude, this will NOT count. This needs to be the 2 miles for ME.

Sixth-I’m writing the lists. I have so many one off things that I don’t accomplish or complete, because I think to myself, “I’ll remember.” Well guess what? I fucking forget. Then I get pissed at myself that I forgot. Its a vicious cycle. I’m going back to the daily list.

Seventh-I had a tooth pulled because I have no tooth enamel and fillings are just falling out of my head. No need to worry, the dentist is putting together a treatment plan and I am working towards getting my mouth back in order. No worries, I still have my killer smile and I will NOT lose it.

Eighth-I was prescribed an SSRI for depression. I haven’t filled the prescription yet. I’m not sure I want to do it. I think I will benefit from it, but I haven’t done it yet. I’m mostly afraid I’ll have a wonky reaction like I did for Chantix or Wellbutrin. Putting this out there for a sign on whether I should or shouldn’t…

All of these things seem very overwhelming to me and getting them out, truly does help. If you don’t get them out, as I haven’t for a good few weeks, they CONSUME me. Venting a little here or a little there, it doesn’t cut it. Each thing, in addition to my grief, is setting me back one and a half steps. But not anymore. I’m working on these. They all make me feel I’m taking things in the right direction.