I’ve been having a lot of these kinds of posts days…Stuff just pops into my head and I try to decipher and process and digest. I do that over and over. Rather, rinse, repeat? Today did not prove to be any different and so here it goes.

I went on my walk today later than expected and did it alone. I did my 2 miles and fucking crushed the time (35 min). I’m pretty sure I crushed it because I was lost in my processing thoughts.

First off, the baby boy got accepted to college and will be playing Golf. All I can say is fucking YES!!! This has been a weight and stress in our house for some time, for many reasons. The main reason being the boy isn’t the best student. He wasn’t applying because he didn’t want to bear the rejection. (Gut punch) He also used the words, “I’m not smart enough” at one point. (double gut punch). Im not naïve enough to believe he got into this school based on his grades, Golf had a big role. It doesn’t matter the how, we will focus on he did.

Secondly, the pressure being off made me feel lighter. I always believed and focused on the belief that the path will appear for the boy. I knew it and felt it and didn’t waiver from that. I was worried, obviously, but I knew it would work out for him how it was meant to work out for him. His path. The pressure is off because I’ve carried his worries for him. I don’t bear that burden anymore. Pressure gone. Backpack is lighter. The dynamic is changing.

When I was in college and in therapy at one point, I was told of an analogy that has stuck with me. The backpack analogy. Am I the only one that’s heard of this? I don’t think so…but just in case I am, this is the backpack.

Everyone has a backpack that they carry around with them. The backpack is where you carry your burdens, your worries, your fears. We put them there because we carry these around with us every day. All. Day. What happens to the backpack is that it is only so big. If you carry so much in the backpack without emptying it or making more room, the backpack can break. When that backpack breaks, it isn’t pretty. What you need to do periodically is make sure you purge that backpack to make room for other things.

This my friends, is a skill. Something that you need to work on as often as you need, to make sure your backpack doesn’t break. For me, I know I’ve worked on this throughout my life. First it was just a backpack for me, but then I got married, had babies, and as a wife and mother, I’ve learned that, for me to fulfill myself, I needed to share my backpack with them. I love them so much that there are things that I take on for them. I take on their burdens because I want them to not worry, not have any fears or burdens. As my husband and I got stronger in our marriage, that sharing always shifts, depending on the situation. With my kids, it shifts and has shifted when they reach certain milestones.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s all happening and working out as it should. I need to have more space in my backpack for me, to deal with the beast and allow myself time to heal. I can take the time to focus on me.

I did a lot of thinking on my walk…and I also saw a dragon fly and a cardinal. (Someone else is giving me strength)