I’m starting to feel like a broken record on here…I come on here and explain why I haven’t been blogging. Then I give a lowdown on what’s been going on with my life and I vow to get better. You guessed it, this will be another one of those types of posts, but this one will have a happier ending.

I’ve been absent from here for a week. I’ve done some walking, but not every day. One whole week where so much has happened, I swear, what has happened could be out of a soap opera (and not the bad writing). Here is the low down:

Last week I took Friday off to go up to a friends camper. We (hubbie and I) headed over there on Thursday night, enjoyed a bonfire and then on Friday, we floated the river. Pure awesomeness with awesome people and I needed the relaxation. The river floating did have some exciting moments and those moments lead to “issues” with the hubbie. We headed home Friday night and on Saturday, we had a whole plethora of activities that we were going to attend. Those activities did not happen because the hubbie (forgive me baby) had a personal issue with his body that required loving care from his wife. We not only did not get to attend the activities. It was ok to just take care of “things”. When Sunday came along, it was more of a reset day and preparing for the week ahead.

Monday came, I got up bright and early and went for a walk (3 miles) with one of the best. We enjoyed our walk and I got bit by a horse fly. Work that day was above annoying and I survived. Tuesday morning, I went in for a root canal that took almost 3 hours. Yes, 3 hours. There were issues after issues and by god, it was just pure weirdness; this thing broke, that thing broke, I got the disinfectant shit in my mouth (it escaped the mouth condom 2x), I gagged and threw up, had to pee 4 times. I got home from said canal and took a short nap and woke up to the Novocaine leaving my mouth. Things were ok at this point and I worked the afternoon and ate jello.

Enter 2:30AM on Wednesday and my tooth was causing me a shit load of pain. Not sure how or why, but it was awful. I got up to swish some mouthwash and tried to fall back asleep. The alarm went off and I got up (still in mild pain) to go walking with one of the best. I tried to eat some bread, to allow me to take some pain meds, and I almost puked because I somehow used my tooth to eat. But I got them down! I was going on this fucking walk! We did our walk (2 miles cause I was in pain), and I was more quiet than normal. I was hoping and praying that the pain would be gone by the end of the walk because, pain pills. Pain pills did not work and by 9:30 I was calling the dentist, while crying, begging for something. I had every nasty scenario running through my head and believe me, they were NOT positive at all. I was able to get in a few hours later (cried on and off the whole time, wanting my Mom) and turns out, we got an infection=enter antibiotics and shave down the temp crown. Ran home after the dentist and filling the prescription (thank you baby) and took all the meds.

TV time out here at this point in the story. I was low. So fucking low. In the most pain and all I could do was cry. Nothing was good. Everything was absolute shit and I just couldn’t see past my nose. And it all came up–I have a job that I don’t feel appreciated at, I missed my mom, I was in the most fucking pain in the world. There was nothing. No light at the end of the tunnel. And then….there was. It was there. The pain went away. When the pain went away, I saw a lot. I saw how my hubbie was doting on me, the kids were positive and encouraging, I had missed texts, I had a positive note from my boss….

This moment, right here, is something that I’m going to wrap in a bottle and put somewhere to pull out again when I need it. Me, yes…ME–I was so wrapped up in the negative, that there was so much positive. It was one thing that could change it, and it did. The dentist did change it. The one thing to take away the pain and the negative path. You see, I was like a flower without water. You know what I mean right? When a flower doesn’t get water and it starts to wilt, it just folds in on itself. It isn’t pretty, it doesn’t open, it wilts in on itself and has nothing to offer. But then, if it gets water, it has been given the strength and what it needs to open up, be beautiful and do what it needs to do.

I was the fucking flower without water. Yes, the tooth and a little bit the hubbie issue, had brought me down and made me wilt, but even more so, with my mom passing, I’ve been wilting away since she transitioned.

Believe it or not, I had a breakthrough with Mom (there is therapy again offering me stuff). With my grief. It was a breakthrough that I didn’t even know I was needing. You see, I know I’m dealing with grief. Like, my mom died. This is a big thing. Yes, she is no longer Earthbound and that has been the thing. But one therapist has been helping me with, “what about it”. Seems odd, I mean my fucking mom died. Isn’t that enough? Turns out, no, it isn’t. I didn’t know or didn’t realize that I needed to determine the WHAT, beyond the obvious. Until you look at things, truly look at yourself, you won’t know the WHAT. What is causing me to breakdown randomly? What is causing me to lay down and be paralyzed with sadness? What are the triggers for me?

The breakthrough is that Mom was my validator. She validated everything for me. She was just that person to me. If I failed something, I’d tell her. If something bad happened, I’d tell her. Yes, she would bail me out of many things. She would ask for stories, I’d tell her, and then she would validate. My tooth hurts and I’m waiting to go to the dentist, she would validate. So many topics and things told, she would validate. And validation is most likely not the right word, but it’s the closest word I can come up with for all of the recognition, support, affirmation, acceptance…of me. She provided me with all of that in a way that no one else could, because she was MY MOM. The triggers that I have now, are for things that I would tell her and she isn’t here to “validate”. THIS. This is huge for me. And in all honesty, the writing that I’m doing here, on this blog, is in a way how I would talk with her. So getting it out and allowing me to think and talk in words, its my validation of sorts.

So yeah, I was a wilted flower and have been for some time. Whether it is in short spurts, like with my tooth, or since Mom has been gone, I’m starting to get more water. I’m starting to open up and show who I am. Now wasn’t that a fucking poetic closing? Am I right? Yeah, you know it was. I’m not a wilted flower anymore.