I know. I know. You read this blog, and you think, “Where the fuck has she been?”

To be honest, since October, I have started about 18 posts and didn’t finish them. I would sit down, type up my feelings on what I wanted to say, but then I would just stop. I wouldn’t say I didn’t have the desire to do it, I just didn’t know exactly what I wanted to convey.

Not quite sure I’m going to back track to October to now. I mean, I might at some point or reference something that has happened to me since then. But if that does happen, what a hidden gem that may be eh? Kinda like a little Easter Egg of sorts.

What I want to get out today is WHY today, for me. That is so easy to type out. That is, Because I need it. I need IT. I need the release. I need to somehow get out the burning feelings inside and try to make some type of sense out of what is burning in my mind.

Last night I was up late because I was on the phone with my sister. My sister, btw, that I have kindled a relationship with since Mom passed on. I might, just to shine some light on how fucking far we have both come with our relationship, discuss how that happened in the future. But it was this conversation last night that led me to just get it out there that releasing my thoughts is pivotal to MY recovery. My discovery of my new sense of normal.

During this phone call, I was verbally vomiting to her about how I wish she could see herself. I pulled out every fucking trick in the book, used ALL the words. All she responded was, “I know”. Every time. “I know” Well my little sis, lemme tell you, by you saying, “I know”, you don’t fucking know. It didn’t piss me off, it didn’t make me mad or sad, but it made me want to try harder. The harder I tried, the more awesome words and examples kept coming out of my mouth. (My therapist would have been so fucking impressed by all the terms and examples and non-I words I was using). We are talking full blown “FEELING” words and thought-provoking comments.

This leads to today. I found myself at my desk job trying to convey the same type of message to my work colleagues (fancy word for corporate lawyers). I would relay my thoughts, intelligently, provide a solution to get them to see what I saw. To help the project get complete. I got a lot of “I know”. I even got, “I understand what you are saying, but…” followed by more “I know”. You know that I wanted to scream, “If you F’en Know, WHY WON’T YOU CHANGE IT?”

So here I am, talking about “I know”. The fact is, “I know” is just a way for someone to say that they DON’T KNOW. Why do we say, we know, when we don’t know? Is it being afraid to convey the truth of, “Hey, I know you are saying something, but I truly do not agree with you.” When someone says, “I know what you are going through” or “I know that this is hard for you” or “I know you want to do this/that”, in reality they aren’t saying they KNOW. Know means to be aware, to have knowledge, to be certain as fact or truth. This is a word that is widely overused, in my non expert opinion. If you say, “I know”, what you are doing is acknowledging that what is being said is what you have direct cognition of…

Think about it. “I know what you are going through”, “I know you are right”, “I know”

How many times have you said, “I know”?

This isn’t a rip on my sister, my work colleagues or myself. I just think that words actually have meaning. When they aren’t used the right way or in the wrong context, they can actually have the opposite effect. It sounds like a nice way of saying, “You think you know, but you don’t know”

Not sure what I wish would be a different outcome. This is what has led me to getting this out. I don’t know what I would want someone to say differently to me, other than “I know”. I don’t think “yes” is better, I think that corporate me has said, “I understand”, “Of course”, “I see you point”. These are all acceptable.

What I think that needs to happen, at least for me, is that if you say I know, or any other equivalent, do the actions that should follow. That, mixed with “I know”, truly shows that you do understand, you do see the point, you do agree.

If you don’t want to do the actions that follow, then don’t say, “I know”. Find your own new response.

And please don’t get me started on, “I don’t know” because lord knows, I have other thoughts on that..