“Rub some dirt on it”, “Suck it up”, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”…and the best one, “But did you die?”. These are all ways of saying, you survived. You are still here.

Think about it, really think about it. Hindsight is truly 20/20–when you are going through something, it becomes your whole world. Then, after some time has passed, you think back to that ‘something’ and you can evaluate it. You can break it apart, analyze it, and evaluate it again. If you can, you learn from it. You EVOLVE from it.

I’m writing this one because I didn’t die. I survived something traumatic in my life. To date, the biggest trauma. Losing my mom.

I had dinner tonight with someone that I cut off when I was dealing with my trauma. I own it. I did it. When I cut her off or out, either definition will work, I did it for myself at the time. At the time, I didn’t know the why behind it and to be honest, I didn’t care. All I knew, at the time, was that my mind did what it did.

When I explained to her what I was going through at that time, she listened. I talked her through the therapy I’ve been through to HELP me get to the point where I could explain it to her. I stressed, “I’m here because I learned to be me post trauma”.

Do you know how FUCKING LIBERATING that is? To talk with someone, tell them that you were a selfish person (because you had to be), you learned to be a new person (because you had to be) and then ask for forgiveness. Not forgiveness for being selfish, but forgiveness for hurting them.

I am stronger now than I have ever been. I am more aware now than I have ever been. I am allowing myself to feel, to be selfish when I need to be and protect myself.

Looking back on how I handled everything…and to be honest still handling some relationships, I can’t say that I’m doing it right or that I would change anything. I can say that I’m being true to who I am now as a person. To me, that is the best I am able to do and that is OK.

And even though I thought I was going to die, I didn’t. I started to live.