“The” void is a real thing. Exactly what “the” void is, that all depends on you and what you have gone though in your life. And “the” turns to “my”.

I found “my” void recently. Yup, sure found it. And, surprisingly, it was found my music. Before I voice what “my” void is, let me explain how I found it.

Anyone listened to the song, Like a Prayer by Madonna? I sure hope that anyone who is alive has heard this song, at least once in their lives. I don’t particularly love this song, don’t really care what the lyrics mean or give it a title of a good song. I will, however, bow down to how it can be manipulated to elicit “something” from whomever listens to it. Slow it down, add an orchestra, change the singer…it is powerful. This was done, none other than the owner of this song, Madonna, for the latest version of Deadpool. Yes, she gave them permission to use it in this film, but with some changes to it. Powerful changes, in my opinion. The one version on the soundtrack, for Like a Prayer, the Choir version–mind blown. Not only do a very talented group of vocalists master this song, mixed with an orchestra with powerful crescendos, they piece in one important part aspect: the male baritone parts. To an untrained ear, it isn’t very spectacular. Not that I’m trained, but music has always got me. It always reaches parts of me. This was no different. In the remix of this song, at about 1:35 in and at 1:39–every time, tears develop in my eyes. (the baritone moments) My heart starts to ache. Literally ache. It is so goddamn beautiful. It then builds and builds with the others and by the time it gets to 2:03, I feel the energy and start the act of singing so loud and badly that my dogs question my sanity because apparently, I’m speaking their language. (do it, pull it up, listen to it).

It has taken me more than a year to start to figure out why this part, this part of this song, that makes me react. This beauty, this amazing sound, pulls me to a void. “my” void. The “my” void that I haven’t even realized was there. Something my soul knows is there, but my mind hasn’t caught up to yet. Until you realize this void, dig into it, clean it out and identify what’s in it, you won’t ever get rid of it.

“My” void isn’t deterring my life really. I’ve made many strides to be where I am today. But I didn’t and don’t feel complete. But guess what, I’m starting to figure it out. I’m starting to dig into it.

For me, “my” void is the period of time from where I know my mom was going to pass until 10 months after she passed. To be exact, February 29th, 2023, was the start date. Ended in April of 2024. (right around the time I started this blog). During this period of time, I did a lot of things that my body did for me–reacted certain ways, said things, did things–because it was in survival mode. TRUE survival mode. My brain went into comatose mode. I don’t know much of that time, but I’m doing the work now. I’m identifying what I did and didn’t do and who the fuck I lost and pissed off. I know that some good things came from this time frame (love you my sister), so I know it isn’t all that bad, but I know things weren’t all that great. In addition, apparently, I read a shit load of books that I cannot recall reading. At all. WTF is that about? How does someone not remember reading semi-smutty stuff dealing with the Bratva?

Either way, this is a process. The void is a real thing. It is “your” void. It is there. It is caused by your life and experiences. It exists. It is your choice to deal with it, dig it out, unpack it, clean it and close it. All up to you.

For me, I’m doing it. I’m cleaning up “my” void. Starting with re-reading those books and finding a new book boyfriend…and mending some relationships (looking at you B).