It’s been 2 months since my last post. Obvious reaction is, no shit. Every day of these past 2 months I’ve said to myself, “You have to write. You have to blog. Hold yourself accountable.” Then when I fall asleep that night, I say, “I didn’t do it, but tomorrow I will.” The cycle then continues…

Today though, I stopped myself and said, “Where the hell is your accountability?” Yeah, not sure where it went but I fucking found it. So here I am.

Not sure how much I should recap of the past 2 months, but I am going to do a bullet list at the end of this (more for myself so I don’t forget than anything).

Walking–the good and most important part of the past 2 months is that I have walked (almost) everyday. I’ve done 2-3 miles during all of my walks and my pace hasn’t changed. I’m in the land of changing seasons and winter is coming. This is going to mean that I have to take this indoors, which I truly do hate. But I’m going to keep walking. I need it. My mental health needs it. My body is LOVING it.

As for my body, I’m down 22lbs. Do you know what happens when you lose 20lbs? Other than you needing new clothes and existing clothes look better? Let me tell you…you gain confidence, your skin looks better, your skin and nails look better, your sex life gets better (yes I said it) and you just feel better overall. No joke, hands down. I’ve always been the kind of person that I do love myself no matter what, I mean that. I do. I know I’m a great person with a true heart. But when you do change, for the “better” and you know you are getting healthier, it’s something different.

While I haven’t been writing on here daily, I’ve still been doing part of my challenge. I’m partially OK with that. I need to do better

Who would have thought that self accountability is the hardest fucking thing to maintain? It’s the one thing that we can 100% control 100% of the time, but yet we don’t do it. I know that recovering addicts do it every minute of every day. I can honestly say that I’m not strong enough to do it or haven’t been lately. I’m not disgusted with myself, to where I’m at the point of loathing myself, but I’m kicking myself a little.

Here is my bullet list:

-The baby boy (not a baby) went off to college. It was awesome to see him go and I get to share him with the world, but him leaving has left a void.

-The daughter moved out (again) to finish her Sr year at college. I’m so fucking proud of her but I miss the shit out of her. Her being back this past year and living with us has moved our relationship from mothering to friends. I like it and I like her, but I miss being more Mom.

-The hubbie and I are now alone in our house for the first time ever in our relationship. With this comes a lot of worry about whether or not we will make it. Sounds silly, but it’s the truth. I love him very much, that isn’t the issue. The worry comes from not being focused, daily, on our kids to being focused on each other–all the time. So far we are doing well but we work on it.

-Work work is taking up a lot of time and projects are coming up a lot. This has been a good challenge but a time consuming challenge. I’m realizing that I’m very good at my job and I like my job.

-I have a side gig as a reviewer for a company–as a freelance writer. This has been so fucking fun and enjoyable. I’ve been getting free therapy, food and will soon be testing shoes. I have the freedom (within limits) to express myself. I’ve never thought this could be so fun.

-A few close friends have lost parents or relatives. This has been hard for me because when I reach out to them, I expose my still healing wounds relating to Mom. I’m realizing that this is part of the healing process. I wish I could convey with them all that I went through, and I try to do so, to an extent. Everyone’s journey is their own. I want them to know that I love them and I wish they didn’t have to experience the grief.

-I still struggle with family. I’m not complete with my journey, not by a long shot. I still haven’t mended fences with my father and I still don’t know if I’m ready to work on it. I mean clearly, I’m not ready because I haven’t done any more work to BE ready. I also am struggling with the family dynamic that encompasses the loss of my mom. I know that sounds cryptic and I don’t mean for it to be, but with the hole that was left when Mom left, the dynamic hasn’t rebuilt itself. It’s a struggle. This is what I am working on and I’m trying. But when only one person or two are trying and the others aren’t, you hit a crossroads. More to come on that I suppose…

-I love my friends. God do I love them. I have my people still and there have been events with all of them. All good because these people are still in my life. It’s never going to be stagnant and it will always evolve. At the end of the day, I love them. My people. I will fight for them always and I know they will do the same. I will say that NONE of them reached out and said, “Hey, how come you haven’t blogged?” Not their worry, not their party, I get that, but come on people…you all know I need encouragement.

On the daily, it’s back to blogging